In a new policy sea change at the Federal Reserve, Chairman Ben Bernanke is hitting the road to directly address the unemployment numbers plaguing the economic recovery. “I look at a lot of economic indicators, and nearly all of them are showing a return to healthy and sustained growth” Bernanke said from the unemployment office in Union, Pennsylvania.
“The only real problem left from the recession is the U3 unemployment figure, it is fucking terrible.” At 10.2%, the nation’s most commonly used gauge for unemployment is at a 26 year high. Since the recession is over, based on all other economic statistics, Bernanke and a team of other Federal Reserve staffers have decided to take a novel approach to bringing down the number of registered unemployed.
In this particular visit to find unemployed in Union the “Recession Enders”, as Bernanke calls his team of mostly former special forces and Blackwater troops, killed 13 and wounded over 30 – likely forcing many of the wounded from the unemployment rolls and onto long-term disability.
“In extreme times, the Federal Reserve has the authority to take extreme measures in order to right the economic ship” Bernanke said after taking two head shots at Deloris Ferguson, 37, a mother of two and former office administrator for a local warehousing concern. “It isn’t as if we want to do this” Bernanke said, speaking of the murders “but this is simply the most efficient way to bring down the unemployment figures since companies are not creating nearly enough new jobs.”
So why Union, PA, you may ask? And why these particular victims? “First of all, you have to start somewhere, and we were in the area for a high-level closed door meeting with finance professionals” Bernanke said on behalf of his team of recession enders who also double as his security team when he is serving in more traditional functions.
“We also don’t indiscriminately kill everyone when we are doing these numerical workforce reductions. We try to pick off those who are least likely to quickly find new work, and we also like picking off those with dependents when possible to avoid the extra payment they receive for their children.”
But all such operations do have some unintended consequences, two jobs at the unemployment office were created when Bob Jennings, 43, and Sarah Kilpatrick, 28, were caught in the crossfire during the reduction operation.
“These deaths will not be forgotten, because those positions can immediately be filled due to federal stimulus programs. So really, you are looking at a win, win situation.”
The White House declined comment for this story, but it is believed that they are waiting for more poll information before they come out against or in support of this new Federal Reserve program.

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